Snippets: Reassessing my relationship with power

Snippets from my correspondence with other women

SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 13, 2011 - 11:22PM.

Heya Ladies,

I really was pondering quiet a bit about our "homework" this weekend. In doing so I was exploring the possible effects and shift in power from males to females in terms of our economic, social and political landscape as we know it today, and all that triggered by an article I read on "The death of the macho; is today's recession a he-cession"? The article is basically talking about a shift in proportion of power from males to females as there was a large percentage of male unemployment due to mass lay-offs in male-dominated industries such as construction, real estate, manufacturing, financial world, etc.

With the above context in mind I came to realize how essential it is to go through the process of consciouss-ening, meaning to do this self-reflection, re-examination, dis-identification (from old), and re-positioning of 1) my relationship to power as a women, 2) which qualities (masculine/feminine) do I operate from in this world?

If I continue to draw upon my masculine qualities as I'm navigating through our patriarchal system, how then can I possibly contribute to a new paradigm as I'm operating from the same old, conditioned one? So I can conclude that creating a different system is not gender based, but rooted in the mindset. Now put the masculine/feminine qualities in the context of power: If a women in power continues to execute from a patriarchal, masculine mindset she may end up producing equal or more destruction than her male counterparts. Hence, I can totally see the value in re-evaluating my relationship to power (as a woman) by asking:

1) Have I abused power so as to execute it over others?

2) Do I have do be afraid of power as I'm fearful of being overpowered by others?

3) Do I have to be afraid of being powerful myself?

Imagine if all of us 1,300 women here participating in this course are coming to grips with our relationship to power, and infuse the world with feminine qualities such as care/nurturing/etc, brought forth by the integration of our masculine powers and qualities, just imagine the kind of shift we could contribute to in areas such as politics, economy, social systems, finance, mother nature!

So perhaps this economic crisis and recession (consider the he-cession here) that initially left me (I don't know about you) with an identity crisis after I got laid-off from my corporate and social identities (or shall we say patriarchal identity), may after all provide the space and opportunity to be filled with conscious/authentic power with men and women, for men and women.....and keeping mother nature in mind all along.

Tatjana

Snippets: Gary Zuka - Aligning our personality with our Soul

Snippets from my correspondence with other women
                       
SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 13, 2011 - 8:37PM.

Hi “M”,

Thank you so much for the reference. I will go and check out Gary Zuka's website. As for "authentic power "aligning our personality with our soul", it reminds me of a book I recently read by James Hollis PH.D.:

"Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life - How to finally grow up".

Hollis talks about distinguishing which space we are operating from, the ego space, or from the soul space. I have come to my share of realization & awareness about my "operating system". Then he talked about the dis-identification process of the ego (which I experienced as dissatisfaction, unhappiness, restlessness, depression, lack of purpose/fulfillment, yearning for something bigger, etc, which manifested all up into a mid-life crises).

In other words he says that a mid-life crises is the ego's dis-identification process. I guess you could call it the death of the ego's "selfish" powers. In short, after going through this dis-identification process, the ego is not dead, through awareness we simply reposition its "strength and power" so as to serve to the emergence of our soul or authentic self. Or in Gary's words, realign our personality (ego) with our soul. I found this insight fascinating!

It's kinda’ similar what we are doing with the masculine/feminine reflection assignment. Which qualities are we drawing upon to access power to create X, Y, Z? If I take it a step further, how about asking: Have I drawn upon power so as to serve my ego (-demands), or to serve the emergence and expression of my soul/authentic self? This is all so interesting to me!

I am doing this teleseminar with two other girlfriends, hence the three pictures :-). Since we are doing this in collaboration "with" each other I thought it would be something new and different to display all three of us in the picture.

It is such a pleasure to be with all of you during this journey of stepping into uncharted territory. Let's see what we can do all together in collaboration!

Tatjana

Snippets: Sharing excitement

Snippets from my correspondence with other women

SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 11, 2011 - 4:25PM.

Hello fellow Ladies,

I am so excited to be part of this. I have been listening to about 35 of Katherine and Claire's past interviews with all of these amazing, wise female guest speakers. Listening to these audios has assisted me greatly in gaining a wider context about the "transition" I went and still am going through. It has been of great insight to listen to the wisdom of these mature women, and to learn from their experiences, as I did not have any other resources at my disposal to compare my experiences to.

In addition they assisted me greatly in finding the vocabulary of what I could not verbalize prior. Also, I got to realize that I'm not alone with what seemed confusing, conflicting feelings at times in my life, and that the drive for "bursting my windows" was the start of my Ego-Dis-Identification process as I was (and probably still am) transitioning into the next developmental stage of my life, namely developing a sense of self that comes from an internal space (I call it soul, or my authentic self), versus navigating life solely from my egoic space.

I'm doing this course with two other girlfriends. None of us is able to participate in the live sessions, so we all are very much looking forward to the recorded audio of session 1 :-)

Tatjana

Snippets: Get paid with the things I love doing

SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 11, 2011 - 6:03PM.

Hi "E",

I so totally identify with you saying "to figure out how to get paid with the things I love doing". I myself have been struggling with how to merge those two worlds; the external world of economic survival and necessities, and the integration of my inner authentic self into my external work life.

So far it seemed to be either or. If you go for authenticity and integrity we might go broke. Yet, now that I have fully tasted my authentic self, it's even harder to stay "submissive, quiet".
I guess now it's a matter for me to locate a work environment that values and nurtures authenticity and integrity. Unfortunately, the current economy is tough. I have experienced layoff's and unemployment myself since 2008, and recently was lucky to get "back into another job", at the cost of selling my soul. Bring forth possibilities on merging my authentic self and my vocation is why I signed up for this course. I think we will be in for an interesting journey :-).

Tatjana 

Snippets: 3 observations I got present to today

Snippets from my correspondence with other women

SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 11, 2011 - 10:52PM.

I just listened to the recorded audio, and there are 3 observations I got present to about myself:

1) For some strange reason I got emotionally touched during the welcoming of all the participating women. Hearing the names and countries of everyone participating brought tears to my eyes, I don't really know why. There was a sense of.....don't really know, I will keep exploring that one.

2) The reason why I registered for this course is because I felt that I needed to connect, surround and expose myself for guidance to those who already have made the "reconnection" (Claire and Katherine) as well as hold that intention with all of you participating. I felt that this would be vital for me in making the transition into my own authentic power. I wasn't sure if I could hold the clarity to make the transition on my own, and also remain centered and grounded in it considering that we still have to live and work with one foot in the current patriarchal system out of economic and survival necessities.... until we are able to transform the system collectively :-)

3) As for living in a time now where women have the freedom and liberty like never experienced before in history.... I’m actually wondering if freedom and liberty may be the root of the challenge to find one's authentic self? We women have such infinite choices and possibilities now, is that why some of us cannot pin point our purpose yet? Is it possible that we are so overwhelmed with all these free flowing, liberated energies that we don't know what to do with all of these choices and possibilities, that we don't know yet how to channel/manifest them into this world?

Those are some thoughts, questions and feelings that came up for me during session 1. Thought I would share :-).

Tatjana

Snippets: I wonder who I am

Snippets from my correspondence with other women

SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 12, 2011 - 12:52PM.

Hi “A”,

I totally appreciate you sharing "I'm learning to be me for the first time.  I still have moments in which I don't feel the ground under me - I wonder who I am".

I too, was going through a phase of "who am I" after I got laid off from my social and corporate identity I have been operating form during the economic crash that started in 2008. I felt stripped off the social identity I have been living from, standing there bare-naked down to the bone. Overnight I suddenly had no identity at all (well, in ego-terms) as all roles, duties and responsibilities vanished in seconds. Although it was economically and financially a very hard time to survive, the crisis provided me with an opportunity to get in touch with my "authentic depth and powers".

First I dwelled in my self-pity-party (victimhood) over what has been done "to" me. That actually helped me in becoming present to my emotions. From there I seemed to move on to connecting inwards, a journey of self-discovery. Listening to Claire and Katherine's women dialogues/interviews over the last two years has greatly helped me to locate myself, to verbalize my emotions, feelings and experiences as I was able to listen in to other women's experiences and wisdom.

Tatjana

Snippets: Setting an intention

Snippets from my correspondence with other women

SUBMITTED BY SWISSMISS ON AUGUST 12, 2011 - 12:27PM.

Hello everyone,

Thank you “L” for your wonderful and inspiring welcome post. My name is Tatjana Luethi and I live in Los Angeles. Originally I'm from Switzerland and moved to Los Angeles 16 years ago. I've done many things in my life, but always have been missing a sense of purpose, mission, and fulfillment in most of those areas. It seemed to be an "either, or" scenario, either it would be a job and make money, but wouldn't provide meaning/purpose/fulfillment. And or if I was on a path of purpose and meaning I couldn't make a living with it.

I think in looking back I have definitely mostly operated from the masculine qualities, and listening to Katherine and Claire's dialogue interviews with all these amazing women over the last 2 years has definitely helped "locating and observing" myself in this society. Now I think it's simply a matter of finding my authentic and autonomous voice in the world. I kinda’ feel I already have stepped into my authentic power, but, how do you put that into words? How do I verbalize, specifically pin point what my authentic self is? I almost feel it's formless, and cannot be verbalized, but only be "stepping into" as it seems to be a "space or power". And maybe from there it then can find varies "expressions" in the world…maybe in forms of projects, societal movements, change, inspiration etc., I don't know yet. I wonder if wanting to give it "form" (meaning verbalizing, pin pointing) may actually derive from my masculine reference point, how ironic, right? So I think I'm going to change my vocabulary from authentic self, to "my authentic power".

So, here is one out of my intentions I created for our 7-week workshop:

1a) I feel there is a split between what I am on the inside and the behavior that I have to display in the working (patriarchal) world. Therefore, I'm yearning to merge/align my authentic and autonomous powers with a work life that turns a mundane job/career into a meaningful vocation that then will allow me to cover my economic necessities and survival while initiating, catalyzing and expressing projects in ways that will contribute to a new structure, society, paradigm in this world.

So long...

Tatjana

Today's recession a He-cession?

Heya,

So, check this out, in my last blog I ended by asking if men are currently also going through some sort of re-orientation process? I was exploring the economic struggle, the inner conflicts and the overall identity crises that I, from the perspective of a women have been experiencing inside a masculine-dominated world since the economic crash in 2008. For one reason or another, unexplainable to myself, it always led me on the path of searching for 1) my own autonomy and true authenticity, and 2) my femininity. I don't know why, but especially the topic of femininity has been the recurring topic ever since my identity crises of 2008. So, if men are also going through some sort of re-orientation process, what does that look like? Are they looking for their manhood? Are they at all inclined to inquire into their authenticity? And if so, how does a man experience and handle that transition given that we are living inside a patriarchal system?

So, ironically today I came across an article by Reihan Salam about "The Death of Macho", where he talks about today's recession being a He-cession. He explores the possibilities of how men in a men-constructed and men-dominated world are affected by today's recession, as well as the possible consequences.  I'm not going to create a recap here of his article, feel free to read it yourself. More so, however, Salam inspired me to explore and think about the possible effects and shift in power from males to females potentially changing the economic, social and political landscape as we know it today.

So, let me say a word about power. But before I get into that, you may need to know that I have been emerging myself a great deal into conversations about the rise of the feminine. Just like I didn't want to regurgitate Salam's article right now, I also don't want to make this blog about what "the rise of the feminine" means to me. I feel I'm not ready yet to fully share my explorations. I'm still traveling the path of my experiences within that context. When the time is right I will be happy to share my experience in full.

I think there is a difference of how men and women relate to power. For men the word power probably implies power "over". Women, on the contrary, may relate to power as "power with", meaning using power "with others", in collaboration, in service of, for the benefit of something greater than oneself. Did I always think so? No. Recently, I have become interested in learning more about women history, about the inquisition, women rights, social systems inside patriarchy, etc. I still have ways to go in educating myself historically. So it wasn't really until about 2-3 years ago, again, triggered by my experiences of layoff's, unemployment and consequent identity crises in 2008 and 2009, that I started to fully grasp that I am living in a patriarchal system. So that then brought my attention to explore and distinguish male and female qualities, not just within myself but also within economic, societal and political systems. So, I can conclude that until recently my relationship with power was pretty much male-infused. How could I possibly have a different one, let's say, a feminine influenced one, given that I have been born into a world that has been constructed by a male mindset, a world that values masculine qualities? And after 5000 years of walking and living and adopting to patriarchy it kinda' makes sense that we women forgot about our own essence and qualities. Not to mention the fear we developed...holding onto our powers, stepping up or speaking up during the times of inquisition resulted in tortured, forced betrayal of our sister, and ended up in death anyway. So we have learned the lesson to devalue our feminine powers, suppress feminine qualities, and live a life under male oppression.

So, here we are, in a time of freedom and liberty women may have have never experienced before, well at least for the last 5000 years, where we get an opportunity to reconstruct not only our relationship with power, but a relationship with all the female qualities that lie at the essence of being a woman. I wonder if it is this newly gained freedom and liberty that may be at the challenge to find one's authentic self today? We women have such infinite choices and possibilities now, is that why some of us can not pin point our purpose yet? Is it possible that after generations of oppression we are simply overwhelmed with all these free flowing, liberated energies that we don't know what to do with all of these choices and possibilities, that we don't know yet how to channel/manifest them into this world? No wonder it is kinda' confusing to make sense of all that upheaval and stirring inside of us. It has definitely been of value to expose myself to all these varies books, women interviews and online forums of women from all walks of life to gain insight, receive guidance and recognize that it is normal to experience confusion, fear, depression as we enter uncharted territory internally and externally. It helped me verbalize the things that I'm experiencing as I encounter shifts and transitions in my life.

Anyhow, Marilyn Nyborg, feminist and spiritual activist, talks about the process of experience being impacted by our biology. How does a men experience power if considered within the context of his biology? How does a woman experience power if you consider her biology? Biologically women receive, we carry, we birth, we give life, we nurse, we nurture, we mother, we care. Nyborg said, that  need to not abandon their masculine aspect so as to get in touch with their feminine, but to draw upon their masculine qualities so as to bring expression of the feminine into this world. So, it's about balancing the masculine and the feminine. We need both, so do men. Eventually, she hopes, we may encounter a culture when a woman won't be called a bitch or a man won't be called a fag for embracing the opposite sex's quality. Nyborg refers to it as unplugging the patriarchy. Salam calls it a new model of manhood.

So, I can see how a dramatic decrease of male population on the market place can proportionally affect male power and influence. Salam points out that "women will gain more of the social, economic and political power they have long been denied, it will be nothing less than a full-scale revolution the likes of which human civilization has never experienced".  In fact, he goes as far as calling it the end of a male dominated area, or The Great Recession. The question he raises "will men adapt and embrace women as equal partners and support them in creating feminine sensibilities", or will men resist, fight, venting their anger into extremism? Let's hope this will not lead to another ugly, violent repetition of history.

We don't want to trade power and follow the darkness of history, that's why it is so important for us women to explore our own assumptions about the masculine and the feminine. I'm participating in a workshop right now about, well, take a guess...yup,  Awakening Feminine Power: The Essential Course for the Avakening Women with Claire Zammit and Katherin Woodward Thomas from Women on the Edge of Evoltuion. It's a mouthful, I know. There I'm being asked to evaluate "When do I engage in which qualities to access the power so as to create things in my life? Are they masculine? Feminine? Do they feel familiar? Foreign? Which one do I identify and draw most upon? What have been my judgments about the ones I feel less familiar?

I think we can safely say that women in power will not instill a new system of equality, co-creation and collaboration if they are still operating unconsciously from a masculine-infused value system, meaning still identify solely with their masculine side. So one can see the importance of self-reflection, of evaluating our current relationship with power as a women, and that it is essential to recreate a new relationships to power that is fueled with female, caring, all-encompassing, holistic qualities. Then maybe we might find ourselves in world where power is created in collaboration with men and women, with life, and with mother nature in mind. I'm just not sure if it will be for us to experience, or if we are the generation to still sacrifice so as to lay the path for future generations?

Here is the link to Reihan Salam's article about the Death of the Macho:
http://newamerica.net/node/9258

So long....

Tatjana Luethi

Midlife Crisis or Dis-identification process of the Ego?

Heya there,

So, let's continue on my big epiphany I shared last time where I discovered a process called "dis-identifying from one's ego". I mean, really, who ever laid out the cards for us and enlightened us on "Well, first, when we are born, we will begin life by going through a pre-egoic stage. Then we will enter a phase where we will construct and form a separate sense of self, known as the formation of the Ego. And yes, we have learned that the ego's function is quintessential to our survival, so the Ego is not something to get rid of, but merely needs to be "repositioned" for the next phase in our life. And that process is called the Ego Dis-Identification process (for reference check out James Hollis: Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Your Life, How To Finally Grow Up). Or traditionally known as the ALL-THREATENED MID-LIFE CRISIS! Wow! Like I said, that was a huge epiphany for me. Let me explain.

I pretty much figured that over the last 2-3 years I was going through a mid-life crises. There were so many changes and challenges! For specifics and details, see prior blogs where I'm questioning life and the world.  Most of the time you don't know you are going through a crisis while you are in the midst of it. You are just full of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, depression, etc.  Friends would advise "maybe you should see someone", or "just be happy, at least you have a job in this economy", or, "here read this book", etc. Now, instead of calling it a mid-life crises, I prefer Hollis's label, the Ego-Dis-Identification process. Verbalizing it that way allows for a space to engage with my experience, explore it, process it, and (hopefully) evolve from it. Calling it a mid-life crisis feels somewhat dead-end, limited, non-organic, it somehow has a bad reputation as associated feelings and emotions like depression and unhappiness get viewed as something negative. From an evolutionary perspective though, depression, unhappiness and dissatisfaction are all symptoms of entering a different stage of development. Perhaps you may already be well familiar with all of this, but as for me I don't have a degree in psychology (although I'd be interested), nor did anyone in my immediate environment enlighten me about this. Therefore, coming to this conclusion was a world-revolutionizing discovery for me.

As I said, calling this transition the Ego-Dis-Identification process implies an evolutionary/developmental context, one of process and growth. It's the transition where we let go of the essential skills that once served us during the early stages of constructing and navigating life from our Ego. However, just like James Hollis mentions in his book, in the second half of life those very same ego strengths will betray us, hinder, perhaps even limit us later in life if we keep on employing the very same Ego assets, considering we are entering/living in a different stage of life. I guess you could call them outdated, perhaps even primitive? They are no longer of service as a sole resource as we transition into a new space, namely developing a sense of self that comes from an internal space (from within), versus an external one as we did during the egoic phase. The self has matured enough, and gained the confidence where it no longer seeks validation from the outside, the external world. Has it finally grown up?

I guess you could consider it "finding home". It's the process of developing a different kind of sense, or perhaps a new sense of self, or should we say finally arrived at one's true, authentic self...ones soul. I have a much clearer perspective now, but for the longest time it has been a very confusing journey. I am not sure what will happen next. I will navigate it with the same kind of curiosity and exploration as I have traveled the first path of my self-discovery so far. The only difference is that my next stage of life will (hopefully) be generated from this new reference point. Let me just say that I hope that there will be no further "selves" to come. Really! Through how many more cycles of new self-identification processes do we really have to go through? Can you imagine how complicated this would get?

Anyhow, since I'm a female it could be all about finding a deeper authentic self that is centered around the context of "the feminine", considering that the previous stage of developing my egoic self took place in a time period that is still engrossed in a masculine, patriarchal value system. At least that's what Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit from Women On The Edge Of Evolution are suggesting.  By now I have probably listened to about 30 of their amazing free "online women interviews". See, we all have been entrenched in a masculine dominated value system for so long, that in order for us to rewire our neurons into a new value system, we have to align ourselves with those who already have made the reconnection. We have to expose ourselves and engage in conversations with those who already are living outside of the current paradigm the rest of us is trying to get beyond. You can't do it alone. Think about it, how are you going to evolve into a new space of knowledge, if your entire database of knowledge and experience resides within that very same space you are currently operating from? In fact, I wonder how many people actually get "lost in transition" and end up stuck in between those two developmental stages, hung up on prescription drugs, alcohol or any other sort of addictions so as to deal with their "midlife crises"? Also, it may be helpful to get some historical perspective on the topics of submission, oppression and suppression of the feminine. I highly recommend to check out the 55 minute documentary The Burning Times. There was an enormous split between men and women throughout history (hence all the talk about us entering a new age of co-creation between men and women, between the masculine and the feminine). No wonder we women still carry this cellular fear in us to step out and up into our own power. This documentary really hit home for me!

You know, I have always been a curious spirit when it comes to self-growth and development. And I have been exposed to many different books, people and even workshops that introduced me to new ideas, philosophies, vocabulary and therefore new possibilities, like consciousness, awareness, emergence, ego, soul, source, just to mention a few,. I took it all in and somewhat managed to get a sense about this other kind of existence that seemed to be emerging from the depth within. However, somehow it still was all kinda' confusing. Regardless, I listened, I participated and practiced merely out of trust to the best of my "awareness". Yet somehow I was lacking that big picture perspective of getting it all, because you don't really get it until you have lived it. Experience still is the most profound teacher, and going through the experience of my described mid-life crises is what brought it all together for me. You need to live it in order to understand it, otherwise it remains all theory. So it seems, a mid-life crises is something to be embraced. It's a symptomatic effect, and part of life. In fact it is part of the process to evolve, just like the egoic phase was. 

I have to thank James Hollis for his book I mentioned above, as well as Claire and Katherine for sharing these amazing audio files online. They have assisted me greatly in gaining a wider context about the "transition" I went through. It has been of great inspiration to listen to the wisdom of these mature women, and to learn from their experiences as I did not have any other resources at my disposal to compare my experiences to. I got to realize that I'm not alone with what seemed confusing, conflicting feelings at times in my life, and that the drive for "bursting my windows" was the start of my Ego-Dis-Identification process as I was (and probably still am) transitioning into the next developmental stage. Now, not only did I find clarity and comfort about my own process and transition as an individual at this time, but also there seems to be a collective transition taking place amongst women across the globe as pointed out by Claire and Katherine. Or said differently, this transition of moving from an ego-referenced life, to a soul-referenced life seems to be taking place on a micro level, individually, and on a macro level, collectively. I'm wondering if this development, this process has existed in prior generations, or are we looking at a new stage of evolution here?

Also, I'm kind of curious if men are going through a similar kind of re-orientation process? No, I'm not saying that a mid-life crises is gender bound. What I mean is that since we women seem to be making that transition into our true authentic voice within the context of the feminine inside a patriarchal society, what does that transition look like for men who already are navigating from inside the masculine?

So long....

Tatjana Luethi

Finding Meaning In One's Vocation

Hello there,

Wow, it has been a while since my last blog, almost one year. Crazy! How is that possible? Well, a lot changed....again. I no longer distribute compostable food service containers to the local food service industry. All noble intentions aside, I never really got it to the point  where I could make a living of it. So much for my attempt to regain a new sense of (my)self during the economic crash that started in 2008 and all the while trying to save the world from styrofoam and plastic pollution. Well, it’s not that I was actively seeking to re-invent myself. It’s just that I wasn’t really sure who I was after I got laid off  from “my corporate and social identity”. Let’s call it a corporate or career dis-identification process. In retrospect, I entered a new cycle of experience, one that gave me a new sense of awareness, not only in the context of my personal vulnerability on the “market place”. But also it led to a cycle of acceptance, surrender and submission to my ego as I will explain in the second half of today’s blog. Basically, today’s writing is an attempt to make sense of the happenings of the last 3 years. So as usually, my blog takes a bit time to read and process, so grab that cup of coffee, make yourself comfortable and let’s go for a ride:


It all began in 2008, as I was going through a company mass lay-off while in the midst of building our first home. I got hit the second time in 2009. Seems like we are rather disposable as employees. To top it off my hubby left his employer at the beginning of 2010, to give birth to his authentic self, or in other words, pursue his dreams. 


So, given the circumstances I had to come up with an action plan, as I really didn’t know how long it would take to get another job. To be honest though, I really didn’t want just another job that would totally disregard a work-life with meaning, energizing my spirit. You know, I’m talking about something I could do with full authenticity, passion, excitement, well, bottom line...purpose. A culture of purpose can impact profitability, but for some reason our corporations, our employers, just don’t seem to get that. People work different when working for a purpose, they bring passion to the table, they care what they do, they work more deeply, thoroughly, effectively, with authentic energy. I have been struggling to find this authenticity within the system that in practical terms will also pay my bills. How then do you execute that transition, or at least contribute to a new structure, a new culture of meaning  and purpose while facing the grim necessities of economic survival? Will we ever evolve into creating a structure that supports our material existence yet also provides fulfillment on the inside? Or are we damned to work in a dull, mindless, robotic, mundane fashion ‘til the day we die?


As Malcom McLaren points out in his TED Talk it seems that we “creative” people are struggling with how to authenticate an inauthentic culture. Yeah, no sh#%$! I like that one.....how to authenticate an inauthentic culture..... He talked about his declaration of war against in-authenticity. He pointed out that the struggle to find something authentic is actually part of our individual, personal evolution...at least for those of us who choose to embrace that challenge. It’s not that I am even seeking that challenge. It seems that this question for greater meaning and fulfillment at work, or general in life, is consistently crossing my mind, involuntarily, regardless if I like it or not, it’s just there...all the time!


Maybe because I have not found a work environment yet that values the GNH versus the GDP. GNH meaning Gross National Happiness factor...at work. McLaren compared it to having a choice between a life of authenticity, or one of a reality that is free of the responsibility to contribute to one’s own evolution and growth. McLaren talked about that the best eduction being experience itself. And that to fully live your life you want to aim for becoming a magnificent, flamboyant failure versus settling for ordinary success. Failure at least shows you are trying to aim for something more then the ordinary. To fully experience life authentically and autonomously you gotta become fearless and go beyond today’s definition of success. To find your own authenticity you ought to go out there and embrace the unknown without having a clear map. That’s taking responsibility and aiming for what you can become, versus adhering to the reasonable voices of a conditioned culture. Okay, I hear you Malcolm, I can relate to most of what you say.  But somehow I feel I need a bit more of a context here. Who or what is behind that motivation to go beyond?


Well, either way, the past 3 years did feel like an adventure with no clear map. There was no financial security. Each one of us who experienced layoff’s and didn’t get back into another job right away had to become comfortable with not knowing what tomorrow would be like. Will I be able to pay the rent, or the mortgage? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will I be able to bring home food? Everyone has a different story, but what remains the same is how humbling this experience has been. I had to learn to think more short term, and not to worry so much what the future will bring. Feelings of financial, personal, or emotional security became all a tail of the past, or maybe they were illusions all along? Out of all of this I became way more present and grateful...to my husband, and his love, present to myself, well present to life itself, and what the two of us as a team were capable of doing. Loss and attachment seem to be the price of abundance (James Hollis, PH. D., Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Your Life - How To Finally Grow Up). It made me realize that every day is a gift, a treasure...in a world of fleetingness... regardless the circumstances. As a result, I find myself living every day with a much deeper sense of appreciation, and grace, one I didn’t have before. 


Also, it’s as if the time off from the system gave me an opportunity to take a step back. It allowed me to become an observer watching from the outside in. But who or what was watching? I no longer was part of playing the expected corporate and social games, at least for a while. Inch by inch I moved a bit closer towards my own unique, independent, autonomous voice and power. It was as if something got set free. What part of me was it that felt freer, and happier?  I also got healthier, I got to take care of my self and attended health issues I have not had time to nurture before. I got more sleep, I ate smarter, I exercised more, was overall way less stressed, and found myself in better shape then I was in my Twenties!  


However, the fact was I was unemployed, and I really didn’t know what the future would bring. I took my share of responsibility of what was, and set out foot to craft a new reality for my self. I took another shot at becoming an entrepreneur. This time however, I was serious about becoming a catalyst for generating a structure that would somehow contribute to a new environmental consciousness or nurture social responsibility, with the hopes that this would take my life into a new direction that would actually make an impact. That’s how Afford Eco came about.


Yet, as I was working on growing Afford Eco, my passion and energy seemed to take a dive as I was facing financial and economic survival challenges, and therefore old doubts re-surfaced. My newly found serenity was overhauled by economic necessities. I realized, it would take a long time before I would become financially stable. Here it was again, financial survival was jeopardizing my vision, my idealism. Vision of what? Whose ideals were crushed? Regardless, I saw no other solution, but was forced to find another 8-5 job. Yikes, really? It seemed that I just went through full circle, forced to repeat the same vicious cycle again, but this time it was much harder to re-enter the work force for as now I have tasted the freedom, happiness and health working from the comforts of my home.


1 ½ years into it,  and approximately 500 job applications later I found myself back in the corporate world as a design, branding and communications professional. It happened all overnight. I was re-employed as fast as I got laid off. Like I said, overnight. And honestly, it had absolutely nothing to do with any of my networking efforts, referrals or friends. It was pure luck. It was one out of many emails I received on a weekly basis from my creative employment agency. I responded, with the usual expectation that it will not lead to anything, just like all the other 499 jobs I applied for over the past year. To my surprise, they thought I was a match, and therefore submitted my resume. I got called for an interview. After 10 minutes of 6 eyeballs starring at me, I was asked if I could start the very same afternoon. Here I was after 3 years of going through two lay-offs’s, recruiting my own clients, building a house with my husband, establishing an environmentally conscious business, well, somewhat, and attending weekly green business networking events, joining the local chamber of commerce, actively hosting and organizing events that promoted a sense of community, nurtured social responsibility and environmental consciousness, training for and competing in International Latin Ballroom dancing, and all the while trying to search my soul so as what to make out of all of these changes and challenges of the last 3 years! 


So, McLaren would probably shake my hand as I have failed, magnificently, flamboyantly failed....after all I went for it, I gave it my all, once again (I’ll spare you my prior entrepreneurial adventures). So shouldn’t I be congratulating myself? How then do you explain those feelings of a potential midlife depression I currently seem to be experiencing? I feel tired, lazy, bored, headaches, and constantly longing for something else in the arena of my work life. I feel like my idealism got greatly crushed. 


Then, I came across a book by psychologist James Hollis, PH. D., Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Your Life - How To Finally Grow Up. Hollis says that these feelings are part of the process of one’s individual evolution, one’s growth. He suggest that the development of one’s personality goes hand in hand with the suffering experienced for passively complying to familial, societal and cultural values. In his book, he talks about a sense of restlessness and depression after the achievement, or the failure to achieve, one’s ambitions, driving powers, or in short, facing the world...as all of those are in the service of building one’s ego. In fact, according to Hollis, the main task of the first half of life is to actually build ego-strength so as to engage in relationships, social roles and expectations, and to support oneself economically, basically to face the world. But then, at some point we over-identify with those very same ego roles that provided the initial success and survival (well, in the ordinary sense from an ego’s perspective). What initially served us in the first half of life will betray us in the second half of life, as to be witnessed in the depressed business man, abandoned spouse, or frustrated homemaker, he says. So in other words the very same strongsuits that made us successful in the first place seem to be responsible for the misery experienced in the second half of our lives. Hollis says that the ambitions, and goals of the first half of life were fueled and energized by our past conditioned images and complexes, as he calls it. Complexes meaning the choices we made in reaction to early observations, conditioning, and or family or socioeconomic or cultural expectations...which are not related at all to one’s own personal destiny...or the fulfillment of one’s soul. Or expressed differently, all those choices, ambitions, etc were not ours. So, in order to make sense of one’s life, we need to factor in another element...the human soul. The source of origin, that other energy that just is... prior to being conditioning.


Over the last couple years I've become aware of something called the consciousness, awareness, soul, God, Buddha, etc, or whatever you want to call it, by reading books and watching documentaries. But somehow I was missing that larger context as what to make out of this thing called consciousness. Also, I guess you could say I've been living with the belief that the self consisted only of one energy. The ego, and that it needed to be tamed, controlled, perhaps destroyed and replaced with something else, after all it seemed to be the source of all my suffering. Now, that I was reading Hollis's book, I'm coming to the conclusion that I am consisting of at least two energies that are trying to get my attention simultaneously. That in turn then explains the struggles I feel from within, between the wants and demands of my ego, and the yearning of my soul. Going forward, I might conclude there are additional energies at play, but for now to coop with the current process of my journey, let's just keep it at two :-), the ego and the soul (or the heart and the head, or God and you, whatever terms work for you).


As I was coming to this new conclusions, I felt like all the missing pieces of the puzzle were suddenly falling into its place, providing a bigger picture of the human journey. I concluding that I’m going through some sort of transition known as “the mid-life crisis” in my career. Thinking that having kids could fill the void is just another foul play by the ego. Hollis was able to verbalize an aspect of myself and provide a perspective of what I have been feeling but didn’t really understand. I highly recommend his book. He says that those feelings of restlessness, doubt or depression are actually part of “growing up”, it’s a letting go of childhood complexes, it’s the process of “letting go” of what comforts, validates, reinforces, strengthen one thing, the ego. Or in other words, those feelings of suffrage are experienced by the ego which is now  being forced to , finally, grow up. In fact, he is saying that these feelings stem from the process of the ego dis-identifying with those goals, ambitions, as we are becoming aware that we are more than economic animals. He says, what we are experiencing as a sense of depression is simply another call to serve. It’s a call to serve in the service of our soul, to serve the individuation of our soul, the fulfillment of our own personal destiny (versus a life serving the values and expectations of mom, dad, society, tradition or our culture). It’s about becoming autonomous and authentic. It’s still a cry from within, however this cry is rooted in the depth of our soul asking us to wake up, to grow up, to let go, and become ourselves. This takes quiet a bit of awareness, and the ability to distinguish between the demands of the Ego, and what he categorizes as the calling of the soul.


Hollis says that during the second half of life, the Ego will be asked “to accept the absurdities of existence....” Yep, I agree, it feels as if I just went through a cycle of surrender and acceptance. Initially I was not sure what surrendered. Now I can see it may have been the ambitions, ideologies, aspirations, goals and dreams deriving from my Ego (after all who doesn’t want the 15 minute fame), versus the calls in the service of my soul that constitutes my “individuation”. Hollis says that ultimately our vocation (not conditioned carreerism) is to become ourselves....”becoming ourselves actually requires repeated submissions of the Ego”. However, he says, it takes quiet a bit of awareness to distinguish when we are serving the soul (individuation) versus the needs for ego reinforcements, as ego constantly seeks comfort, control, dominance, security, approval of others, etc. “It’s challenging to distinguish our rebellion against social norms believing this is individuation, when it is merely self-indulgence masking our difference. The seduction is so easily achieved because the ego wishes to serve itself and avoid service to the soul. What pulls us out of false rebellion or the easy torpor of the familiar is that the soul’s protest has grown painful to ignore”. “In the end, the meaning of our life will be judged not by our peers or their collective expectations, but by our experience of it...”. If we don’t make that distinction between ego and soul we will eventually betray ourselves, resulting in a life of misery, lack of fulfillment and meaning, well, depression. I don’t know if we can ever control our ego, as it seems to be as important and essential to our survival, at least initially....in the first half of life. Yet, Hollis says, we can reposition our ego in the second half of life, and use its strength in the service and fulfillment of our soul. The solution might just be found in the set up of an empowered relationship, between ego and soul, between masculine traits and feminine ones.


So maybe that’s what McLaren was talking about. The driving motivator behind a life that goes beyond ordinary success is the soul, or consciousness, or whatever you wanna’ call it. The observer that was watching from the outside in trying to make sense of the system, may after all have been my soul. Initially, I simply couldn’t distinguish if the motivation, vision, dreams and despair I experienced were part of the narcissistic demands of my ego, or arising from the land of my soul knocking at my door...asking to wake up. Now, the next question is how do you bring forth, how do you nurture, cultivate, fuel that energy called the soul in the second part of your life? 


So long......


Tatjana